Faye is a second-generation Iu-Mien American raised by refugee parents and the fourth of six children, born and raised in Richmond, CA. She majored in Public and Environment Health at UC Berkeley and studied Social Justice at the California Institute of Integral studies. She is currently based in Oakland, CA, where she is a Visual Storyteller at a social change communications firm, a freelance designer and photographer @fayesayphoto, and the co-founder of SEAT.
Faye talks to us about being raised in a rigid Iu-Mien refugee household and exploring her identity outside of the traditional expectations of her parents. Through therapy, she turned her trauma into strength and ambition and was also able to find healing and confidence through creative self-expression. Ultimately, it led her to embrace what it meant to be Iu-Mien American. Read her full story below.
How do you identify yourself (ethnically or culturally)?
I identify myself as Iu-Mien American but in all honesty, I’ve come a long way to finally claim this identity. There were many times I rebelled against and disconnected myself with my culture because I associated it a lot with my trauma. My parents were refugees of the Secret War in Laos during the 1970s - 1980s. They lived in a refugee camp for several years before being sponsored to the United States. I was born several months after their resettlement in North Richmond.
My parents suffered from PTSD, my mom especially. Having lost most of her immediate family members and her ties to her homeland, my mom’s fear and anxiety reflected often in her disciplinary parenting style. I remember we would sit around her and listen to the horrifying stories she would share of their escape from Laos to find refuge across the Mekong River in Thailand. My mom still burdens this experience today and as kids, she sheltered my siblings and I from the outside world, teaching us that safety meant staying home and that strangers who were not Mien were dangerous.
It didn’t help that we lived in a very rough neighborhood with high levels of community issues often involving drive-by shootings, gang wars, drug dealers, domestic abuse, and a lot of robberies and other assaults, sometimes even homicide cases. I can’t tell you how many dead bodies I’ve seen on the streets. This only validated that whatever my mom was trying to protect us from - that the world is frightening and dangerous.
" We are often categorized as individuals from low socioeconomic backgrounds and unfortunately it was easy for someone to say we are poor, uneducated, and ghetto."
My struggles with my Iu-Mien identity was also stigmatized by the stereotypes put on our community and the lack of education and awareness of our culture to the outside world. We are often categorized as individuals from low socioeconomic backgrounds and unfortunately it was easy for someone to say we are poor, uneducated, and ghetto. Even today, when I say I’m Iu-Mien, the usual responses I receive are along the lines of 1) “Oh, but you sound so smart. You’re not ghetto like the other Mien people I know,” 2) “You look Korean or Chinese,” or 3) “Men? Chow Mien? What is Mien?”
I’ve always aimed to be “different” from other Mien folks because I internalized these stereotypes and micro-aggressions. This is ironic, however, because I found myself between two worlds where I didn’t feel fully accepted by either.
"It was definitely hard to find my voice. I got into a lot of toxic relationships and depended a lot on others to define my worth. "
In my Iu-Mien community, I was judged for being white-washed, out of touch and more of a gypsy-woman, and in the American society, the standards of the “model minority” didn’t help. Here I was expected to excel educationally, financially, socially, and be hardworking - and not complain or cause an uproar.
It was definitely hard to find my voice. I got into a lot of toxic relationships and depended a lot on others to define my worth. My mental health took a big hit - depression, anxiety, leading to risky behaviors and even bouts of suicidal thoughts.
When you were growing up, what did you want (or still wish) to be?
This is a question that was never posed to us as children, at least not to me. Even when it was posed to me in high school, I never grasped what it meant. My parents lived off of the land in their homeland - they were agriculturists and they put community and traditions at the core of everything. As a woman, I was expected to be married at a young age to a Mien guy who had a good reputation; who could take care of me, and we would have many children and I would know how to cook, clean, and take care of my family. My goal in life should be to be a responsible and productive daughter, wife, and daughter-in-law. That would be my worth. I didn’t like those expectations and it only pushed me to want to be more “American”. To do that meant to rebel against my parents, my cultural identity, and my community.
"I’m more of the black sheep in my family because I did things the opposite way from my siblings. After college, I had a lot of odd jobs because I wanted to explore what actually interested me rather than what I was told I should be interested in. "
This also meant that my mom was not the happiest with me - she didn’t approve of a lot of my decisions, especially the ones that meant I would become independent of her. She was very “doom and gloom” with everything and if it was a decision she didn’t like or understand, she would be very negative about it and instill unrealistic fears into my decisions. Even throughout my 20s, she would label me promiscuous, “left-over,” or used-up because I was not yet married or in a stable relationship.
I’m more of the black sheep in my family because I did things the opposite way from my siblings. After college, I had a lot of odd jobs because I wanted to explore what actually interested me rather than what I was told I should be interested in. I’ve worked in a florist, as an insurance agent, worked for a photo booth company, in retail, been a hostess and server at many restaurants, worked in an ice cream shop, was a cocktail waitress at a Casino, was a bartender (still am now), did clerical work at a Pediatrics office, ran a home-based custom cake decorating business, and after discovering my niche for photography, became a freelance photographer. I also worked at many nonprofits in admin positions. You can imagine how impressed my parents were aka not impressed.
How has therapy helped you?
I discovered therapy when I was trying to get out of a third toxic relationship. Asking for help was hard, especially coming from a community that shunned “airing dirty laundry.” Therapy allowed me to come to terms with a lot of my struggles and to develop skills and tools that have helped me lead a more stable life. The support also allowed me to discover a lot of my own values and embrace my struggles as a way to propel forward.
"In trying to heal my trauma, I also found that my healing was actually rooted in my culture and family. My parents’ experiences and our Mien culture of putting community first was the foundation I needed all along."
Coming from a culture that didn’t care much for self-expression or individualism, therapy helped me embrace creativity as a way to not only heal myself but find and see the beauty in life. Creativity and art is an outlet for me to express my feelings in ways that I can’t do through words - and with art being subjective, there are no standards or judgements placed on what I can produce.
In trying to heal my trauma though, I also found that my healing was actually rooted in my culture and family. My parents’ experiences and our Mien culture of putting community first was the foundation I needed all along. I learned that I would only be able to grow where I was rooted. I learned to have the utmost compassion for my parents. Instead of blaming them for how I grew up, I learned to respect them and look up to them because without their struggles, I wouldn’t even be here right now having the opportunity to share my story and theirs as well. Their experiences of survival and strength instilled a lot of resilience in me- it has allowed me to be ambitious, resourceful, and fully see life from the bottom up. When you’ve seen rock bottom, there is no way to go but up.
What social, economic/financial or cultural barriers did you encounter? And how did you overcome them (if at all)?
For many immigrant families like mine, we settle into under-resourced communities along with other immigrants and the Black and brown communities. We were poor, my parents weren’t educated and they didn’t know much English. We used to stand in lines at the food bank and were in all of the government assistance programs even though we didn’t trust the system.
I went to schools that were never consistent with funding. We would have a music program one year but then not another year. Same for sports, after-school programs, and even teachers. The classrooms would always be 30+ students, which made recess time fun but not learning.
"Of course, having very strict and traditional parents meant that education was important but was not number 1. I still lived at home while in college because I wasn’t allowed to move out until I was married. "
I did well in school though and graduated at the top of my class thanks to college prep programs and having a couple of teachers who cared more than most. Being poor and first-generation in college also came with a silver lining when it came to higher education. I attended the University of California, Berkeley through a full ride scholarship and studied Public and Environmental Health. Universities also like to accept a set percentage of low-income students from the local area so I felt lucky to be one of those students going to this prestigious school. Of course, having very strict and traditional parents meant that education was important but was not number 1. I still lived at home while in college because I wasn’t allowed to move out until I was married. I was still expected to hold a part time job to pay for my bills and upkeep my livelihood. Compared to most of my classmates who came from resourced backgrounds, this was a reality that was stark in contrast. These barriers prevented me from having the full college experience and instead, I was trying to juggle multiple expectations all at once.
Let’s also talk about the lack of representation of Southeast Asian Americans in colleges. UC Berkeley was predominantly white and Asian students. The Asians that did attend the school, I could not relate to. Most of them came from some kind of money or resourced background. It was hard for me to make friends because I felt out of place. Here I was coming from Richmond, which is very diverse, to a place that lacked diversity in many ways. Most first-generation students in college drop out - the numbers are high - and based on my experience, it’s not surprising. We are tossed into an education system that was not built to support us.
"My curiosity of the world is really what kept me going - I wanted to experience everything outside of the world I grew up in. "
I think I was able to overcome a lot of these barriers by just being stubborn, determined to be my own person, and by being extremely curious. I saw myself as a clean slate with nothing to lose because I didn’t come from or
had much. My curiosity of the world is really what kept me going - I wanted to experience everything outside of the world I grew up in. Even today, my thirst and ambition to experiment new ways to be creative with my photography and designs has stuck.
What resources or role models did you wish you had growing up?
I felt very alone growing up even though I had a large family. My siblings and I were all in the same position so we couldn’t help ourselves as much as we could help each other. My parents were very tight-knit with our Mien community so we grew up having a lot of aunts and uncles and other adults in our lives but they were also trying to navigate this new world.
I wish I had a role model in my life who looked like me and who had similar experiences as me but who also had a bigger picture of the world to show me that the predicament I was in was part of a larger context of what was wrong with the system. I am not ignorant, troubled, or worthless, awkward or abnormal - that I was just growing up in a system that didn’t factor in our peoples’ experiences and struggles. That my juggling two identities and trying to “fit in” was normal.
I don’t regret the path I’ve been on because I’ve gained so much life experience - I think the part that would have been nice to see in a role model was how to manage myself mentally and emotionally. How to not let trauma define me but instead, strengthen me. I found that out late.
"SEAT isn’t meant to be a glamour project focusing on just successful SEAA people. It’s meant to be realistic and honest and geared towards showing youth that, yea, life can get hard but here’s what these folks did to overcome their obstacles."
This is why my friend and I were so compelled to create a platform like SEAT. We’ve learned life the hard way and if we had more options for role models and saw more of our faces and stories in the mainstream, our mental health wouldn’t have taken so much of a hit and we would have felt more confident in pursuing interests that we valued. SEAT isn’t meant to be a glamour project focusing on just successful SEAA people. It’s meant to be realistic and honest and geared towards showing youth that, yea, life can get hard but here’s what these folks did to overcome their obstacles. These people look like you and have the same history as you.
What would you say to young girls and women such as yourself that you wish you heard growing up?
I still tell myself this everyday: don’t let others measure your worth! Find what you value, keep it close to your heart, and don’t let anyone try to change it. You’ll encounter a lot of voices in your life that will tell you who you should be or what you should do but ignore the noise - be stubborn if you have to. There is of course, nothing wrong with being traditional or going with the grain, but if you feel that the standards set by traditions do not fit your values or how you define yourself, don’t be afraid to dispel them and to create your own path, even if it’s not clear and even sometimes, that means cutting people of out your life. Be curious, get to know yourself and the world.
"...if you feel that the standards set by traditions do not fit your values or how you define yourself, don’t be afraid to dispel them and to create your own path."
Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help. When I learned to be vulnerable, I realized how much burden was lifted. I don’t have to struggle with everything by myself! Therapy is definitely a Western concept and is not for everyone, especially those who can’t afford it. There are many free or low-cost programs out there you can find though, which is how I started out. I’m such a big advocate for mental health because it’s saved my life. It’s not just talking about suffering or trauma but putting your thoughts in context, picking out what’s your voice and what’s not, and finding the values deep within you that have been buried due to societal or cultural standards. It’s not only a healing experience but a very liberating one as well! And from there, you can start writing your own story.
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